Christopher Long Show Biz Guru: BOOK REVIEW: Jesse Watters "How I Saved the World"

BOOK REVIEW

How I Saved

the World

- Jesse Watters -

Broadside Books

ISBN-13: 978-0063049086

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Like that time I took

Tammy Snodgrass to

the Senior Prom, the

just-released memoir

from Jesse Watters was

a uniquely satisfying

experience.

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More than ever before, today's ravenous television viewers crave an exceedingly potent supplement in their cable news diet. And nobody in the biz meets that consumer demand better than the culinary crew at FOX News.

Truth be told, "Team FOX" is comprised of rock star personalities who are just more interesting than their pedestrian competitors. C'mon now, you tell me — regardless of which side of the political fence you reside, if you're lookin' for a good time, what's it gonna be — a semi-formal soiree at Rachel Maddow's, or a bottoms-optional pool party at Kennedy's? I mean, an all-day ordeal at the DMV with Greg Gutfeld has got to be more fun than an all-night excursion in da club with Don Lemon. Right? Then there's Dana Perino. Who wouldn't want to be her dog? But I digress.

So, when I heard that FOX News poster boy Jesse Watters was set to drop a book this summer, I sorta felt a little tingle, not unlike the one that ran down Chris Matthews' left leg during Obama's inauguration. Hence, I snatched up a copy posthaste once it hit store shelves last week.

Many years ago, I was blessed to be mentored by an amazing author. As I struggled with crafting my first novel, the seasoned vet took me under his wing and offered invaluable guidance. "Quarantine your reader at PAGE ONE," he said. "And keep 'em paralyzed," he added. Apparently, Watters got that same memo, as he paralyzes readers successfully with How I Saved the World.

Have you ever read a celeb memoir — maybe by a famous rock star? Onstage, the musician typically can barely stand up, and in interviews, they're a total train wreck. Yet, you open their book, and the same musician speaks like a card-carrying Mensa member. Wait, what? Alright, admit it! You did NOT write your own book! Well, that's not the case here. Watters' unique voice rings as loud and clear as Lil Nas X yammerin' at a Gay Pride parade.

As a conservative Christian who contributes pop culture features to various entertainment news outlets, I have to choke down all kinds of content that doesn't line up with my personal compass. As a result of my learned ability to remove that "stick" from my nether region, I've discovered (and enjoyed) many films, an array of records, and a bounty of books I might otherwise have missed. Conversely, if readers from the other side of that fence cut Watters the same slack, they'd find that the dapper Watters' World host has quite an entertaining tale. And he might even be almost likable. Maybe. Relax — I said, maybe.

Watters' conversational style, personal experiences, political insights, and razor-sharp wit are key components in his compelling story — one that delivers tremendous payoff, from his account of a certain harrowing NYC subway ride to recollections of being raised by ultra-liberal parents to the startling revelation that during his time working at The O'Reilly Factor, many staff members were... democrats. WTF? That doesn't fit the script!

His lifelong work ethic is impressive. Earning his current celebrated FOX status, Watters "did what (he) was told," as he climbed the ladder from the basement newsroom to the executive boardroom, from behind-the-scenes anonymity to front-and-center notoriety. Watters cooks with gas, reflecting on his past journalistic missions, from Hollywood high-clearance events to a Florida nude beach resort to an Ivy League gay sex party. He even once rescued the baby Jesus from the clutches of Satan. Sorta. Love him or hate him, How I Saved the World is as edge-of-your-seat riveting as it is laugh-out-loud funny. And as Watters himself points out frequently throughout, he's "the nicest guy in the world."

From puffed-up to self-deprecating, Watters' engaging and candid sense of humor drives the story, as he takes readers on his 300-page ambush — making friends, burning bridges, and dropping names all along the way. However, a few names have been changed, e.g. Ruddy Balzac — priceless. And his mom's near-endless slew of scathing text messages are hilarious.

Even Watters might confess that the book's bold title may overreach a smidge. Clearly a multi-tasker, he pecks at his keyboard while winking at his audience simultaneously. And by not taking himself too seriously, he lets us all in on the gag. Although I'd dispute the claim that he "saved the world," for a guy like me who was starved for a seasonal treat, Watters definitely at least saved my summer.

-Christopher Long

(July 2021)

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