FOR PRESIDENT 2020
Making America Purple Again!
__________
In the immortal words of
that great elder American
statesman, Billy Joel —
"You may be right. I may
be crazy. But it just may be
a lunatic you're looking for."
__________
Now that another spirited campaign season has come and gone, I'm revved-up and prepped already for the next battle. And this time, it's personal. One thing we've learned over the last
several election cycles is that experience no longer is criteria for running for, being elected to, or holding any public office. Clearly, qualifications no longer matter. As as result, I'm announcing my official candidacy for President in 2020
— yes, of the United States
— yes, of America.
I've been chosen as the official nominee of the People's Purple Party for a More United Nation. Although the party consists of only about 17 people, I'm humbled to receive, and honored to accept their nomination. And I will take on the upcoming two-year race for the White House with 100% gusto and sincerity. Why? Simply put, America needs me.
 |
As both a father and a son, I will endeavor to
reinforce the fabric of the American family. |
Society has become so mean-spirited, intolerant and polarized by politics, it's gonna take a compassionate leader and a bold visionary
— one armed only with hugs, chiseled good looks and an eye-catching fashion sense to bring us all back together
— like a real life episode of
Full House. My sole purpose for seeking the presidency is to blur social and political lines
— no more "red" states or "blue" states. We will become a united nation of "
purple" states
— all 47 of 'em. It will be no easy task, but
together, we WILL "make America
purple again!"
The biggest misconception among politicians
and voters is that there is someone out there with an absolute agenda
— a magical prescription by which everyone will be protected and pleased across the board. Truth be told, neither that guy, nor that plan exists. As a nightclub DJ, I've learned that making everybody happy simply is an unrealistic and unattainable goal. Hence, as president, I merely will endeavor to disappoint ALL Americans
equally. And
that's a promise!
 |
I love dogs. And that totally
makes me worthy of your vote. |
It's become a popular catchphrase in recent campaigns, but in my case, it happens to be true
— I'm NOT a "career politician." However, I have achieved numerous impressive accomplishments that clearly will distinguish me from my "qualified" opponents.
PERSONAL ACHIEVEMENTS
- Teen Ministry summer camp leader (Brevard County, FL / 2012-2017)
- Hugged
Mick Fleetwood (Orlando, FL / 2015)
- Detained by Nicaraguan Customs agents for suspicion of drug smuggling (2012)
- Procured groupies for world famous rock stars while traveling as a personal assistant (2006-2009)
- Hung out with
Lemmy at
the Rainbow on Sunset (1998)
- Attended a live audience taping of
Wheel of Fortune (1990)
- Named "Best Thrash Vocalist" (
JAM! magazine / 1990)
-Threatened physically by
Gene Simmons (1983)
- Elected Junior Class President (Satellite High School / 1979)
- Homecoming King nominee (Satellite High School / 1979)
- Slept with
Brad Pitt twice (1974 and 1975). *Not even Oprah can say that.
- Winner of the coveted "Participation" Little League trophy (Springfield, MO / 1974)
- 16-time recipient of the "Buddy Good Citizen" award (Horace Mann Elementary / 1969)
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I possess a personal passion for young
people and for protecting their futures. |
GENERAL POSITIONS
- Less Government: I want Uncle Sam AND Big Brother to both keep their noses out of my business affairs and also to butt-out of my bedroom. How I choose to "balance the books" in my office and what I do with battery-operated devices behind closed doors are personal, private matters.
- Border Protection: Our national borders will be set up like an obstacle course-type reality TV show
— if you can navigate through the maze, clear the hurdles and dodge the gators
— YOU'RE IN! Or, there's always Option #2
— going through established legal channels. Either way, I wanna hug ya!
- Supreme Court Appointments: This now has become such a partisan-driven issue. I believe the best and most fair way to vet prospective
Supreme Court justices is through a grueling 13-week televised process similar to
American Idol. I mean, who's better equipped to qualify a judicial candidate than
Paula Abdul and
Nicki Minaj?
- Taxes: Simply put, I will endeavor to abolish the IRS. #FlatTaxIsTheFuture
- Entitlements: Free
KISS tickets for EVERYBODY!
 |
I'm currently polling quite high
among registered infant voters. |
PERSONAL AGENDA
During my first day in office, I will propose legislation criminalizing the 1978
Eric Clapton hit, "
Wonderful Tonight." It will become a felony, punishable by 89 years in prison, to play, perform, sing, hum or even talk about this horrendous crime against humanity.
I also will sign into law, a policy that will reward private businesses with oodles of valuable government-issued
Walmart gift cards and lifetime supplies of FREE
smoothies just for shaking off personal differences and embracing the
opportunity to "bake the cake"
— or whatever service your business provides. It will be called the "Shake 'N Bake Act of 2021."
My first month in office will produce a whirlwind of advancements. I will meet with the head of the U.S. Postal Service and order that a
Bea Arthur commemorative stamp be produced and issued posthaste. And I also will make the birthdays of
Evel Knievel,
Jon Hamm,
Sam Elliott,
Chuck Norris and
Carly Simon ALL federal holidays
— 'cuz they ALL kick ass!
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After working as a nightclub DJ for the last
25 years, I have a unique understanding of
the issues that most concern real Americans. |
AND FINALLY...
It's very early in the campaign. In fact, I may be the first to announce my candidacy officially. Hence, it's way to soon to name my running mate. However, I'm leaning heavily towards choosing that one guy from
Hee Haw — after all, he does know the mayor of
Kornfield Kounty. Tabitha, the barista at my neighborhood
Starbucks goes to college, so I might consider her too.
Betty White also would be an excellent running mate 'cuz she's super-hot.
Moving forward in my bid for the White House, tapping an experienced political adviser (in short order) to manage my campaign also will be crucial. And although I've never met
Dana Loesch,
George Clinton or
Ron Howard personally, they're all super-smart and extremely attractive people. And I'm open to having coffee with any one of them to discuss possibilities.
 |
I already have booked The Fantastic Plastics
to perform at my official Inaugural party.
Too soon? |
As the nominee of an admitted (very) small political party, I'm uniquely unqualified to interpret campaign finance laws. However, if bags of loot happen to fall off the the back of a truck in front of my house, I'm equally unqualified to ask questions.
Yes, I've got a long way to go. And there certainly is a lot of time in which to discuss the unlimited issues and challenges that we Americans all face. In fact, over the next two years, I look forward to addressing all aspects of my vision for our great nation. I'll admit openly to not having all the answers
— heck, I barely can dress myself. However, I'm a good listener, and I surround myself with qualified advisers and concerned citizens who do have many valuable insights and viable solutions. And I further welcome
everyone to join me in my mission, and to become part of this exciting new social and political revolution.
Together, we WILL "make America
purple again!"
#ChristopherLongForPresident2020
#ChristopherLongMakingAmericaPurpleAgain
#DebbieGibsonRocks
-
Christopher Long
(November 2018)
__________
The People's Purple Party
for a More United Nation
Believing in, and standing for...
Kindness - Compassion - Patience
Forgiveness - Love - Understanding
Pro Family - Pro Faith - Pro Football
More Freedom - Less Government
Lower Taxes - Strong Defense
Free KISS tickets for EVERYBODY!
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Score the latest books from author
Christopher Long NOW on Amazon!
(2014)
(2012)
