Saturday, July 4, 2015


Ted 2

That cantankerous ol' cuss
has returned to the silver
screen once again  starring
in THE celluloid cesspool
sensation of the summer.

Despite its lowest common denominator filth factor, I must admit that Ted did make me laugh — out loud — a lot back in the summer of 2012. In fact, in the spirit of full disclosure, I'll also confess that I saw the film, twice. However, in my review, I pointed out that comedy genius, Seth MacFarlane, is likely capable of "raising the bar," and I further expressed my hope that he might create a truly clever, higher quality product the next time. Hence, there I was, standing at the front of the line for the 10AM opening day showing of Ted 2.

Two matinee tickets: $8 / Required treats: $19
Liam Neeson's cameo in Ted 2: PRICELESS!
A proverbial petri dish of penis jokes and F-bombs, Ted 2 proved to be another well-calculated, two-hour commercial for sexual immorality and dope smoking. Yet despite my disappoint in the film's (expected) lowbrow, juvenile content and regurgitated storyline, it made me laugh — out loud — a lot. Oh, how I miss junior high!

Played by MacFarlane, the infamous, animated teddy returns  "cuddly" as ever — singing, dancing and firing offensive one-liners with marksman-like precision. And in his reprisal of Ted's "thunder buddy for life," John Bennett, Oscar-nominated actor Mark Wahlberg is as likable and hunky as always. Played famously by Amanda Seyfried, Bennett's super-sexy new love interest, Samantha is a fetching delight to behold, while Jessica Barth sizzles from start to finish in her returning role as Ted's (now) wife Tami-Lynn. And I'd be remiss to not offer kudos to Emmy-nominated actor Giovanni Ribisi for bringing the déjà vu-like tension, as Ted's nemesis, Donny.

Arguably even hotter than Wahlberg (L),
Seyfried (R), made Ted 2 worth every
penny that I paid for my $4 matinee ticket. 
Ted 2 boasts a slew of all-star cameos. Morgan Freeman delivered an engaging performance as famed defense attorney, Patrick Meighan and Liam Neeson's brief appearance as the "creeper," purchasing a box of Trix, was for me, the film's highlight. But be sure that Ted 2 also oozes lowlights galore. How on earth Jay Leno and Tom Brady ever were roped into their embarrassing blips baffles me. It couldn't have been that much money. Could it? #WeNeedNewAgents

There's really not much else to say about Ted 2. If you hated the first installment, you'll likely hate the sequel even more. However, if consuming complete cultural crap is your bag, you'll likely adore this cinematic masterpiece. Bring on the fresh cakes, please!

-Christopher Long
(July 2015)

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  1. I just REALLY wish Mila Kunis was in it, it doesn't feel right without her.

    1. Hey Thomas -- thanks for stopping by.

      While I certainly find Amanda Seyfried to be a turbo-fox, I completely agree that "T II" wasn't the same without Mila.