Friday, August 30, 2013

THE TOP 10 SUCKIEST ALBUMS OF THE ’90s

THE TOP TEN SUCKIEST 
ALBUMS OF THE '90s
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I had so much fun with my 
'80s post earlier in the week,
I thought that I'd rip my own 
feature from another site and
share it with my blog readers.
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From ridiculous white rappers to disposable divas to nü-metal nuisances to grunge gods and former hair band heroes, shamelessly clinging to their last shred of cred, the ’90s music scene completely sucked — plain and simple. And compiling a list of the worst of the worst certainly would be a painstaking challenge — but one I boldly accepted. These types of lists typically whip up quite a bit of fan emotion. But be sure, this post was created only in the spirit of good-natured fun. Heck, even 1999 was a very long time ago. However, I apologize right from the gate if I happen to tip one of your sacred cows. 

#10 
HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH 
(1994)

This Columbia, South Carolina quartet sold 
16 million copies of their major label debut
and it now ranks as one of rock’s all-time most
successful records. But truth be told, they could
have sold 30 million copies and it still would
have been lame. Nice guys. Bad music.


#9 
METALLICA
Load 
(1996)

The long-awaited follow-up to the multi-
billion-selling 1991 “Black” album made
it official — Metallica had become the
band that Cliff Burton would beat up if he
were still alive. FYI, Cliff was THE MAN! 


#8
KISS

In their heyday, KISS didn’t have to try 
to be cool — they just were. But by the
'90s, they were trying — way too hard. As
a result, they created some embarrassing
records — this one is their worst. 
“The Final Sessions” — Really? Promise?


 
#7
MOTLEY CRUE
(1997)

So ridiculously horrendous 
that it borders on criminal.
That is all.


#6
TOOL
(1993)

While I realize that Tool is considered a 
god-like icon by many modern-day rock
hipsters, I just never “got” them. In fact,
when I reflect on what I detested most 
about the changing music tide back in
the early ‘90s, this is always the first
record that comes to mind.


#5
GUNS N’ ROSES

An unnecessary album of 
disconnected cover tunes. 
The sound of a great band 
floundering and imploding.


#4 
JON BON JOVI

Although the lead single, “Midnight in 
Chelsea,” was a reasonably snappy, catchy
tune, the rest of the record comes nowhere
near measuring up to JBJ’s otherwise
impeccable legacy. Nowhere near.


#3 
VAN HALEN
(1998)

Frighteningly unlistenable. Although I 
won’t say that Van Halen III is the worst
rock record ever, I do liken my one-time
spin to that of accidentally copping a peak 
at the guy’s “stuff” standing at the next 
urinal in the men’s room — I simply looked
quickly (and awkwardly) the other way and
 tried to pretend that it never happened. 


#2 
BOSTON
(1994)

Proving that one man does not a band 
make, founder Tom Scholz leads the charge,
sans all of the original members who were
responsible for creating the original Boston
magic. A textbook example of how far a
once great band can fall. A truly dreadful
listening experience.


 #1 
CREED
(1999) 

Few bands possess the ability to make 
me literally want (and need) to vomit
— Creed is one of them. Released in
September 1999, Human Clay just barely
made it under the deadline, however,
it certainly earns the distinction as the
decade’s worst — no matter how
many copies it’s sold. 
Pearl Jam without a soul.


Okay, so there ya go. Thanks for stopping by and tagging along on this traumatic trip down memory lane. Feel free to share, discuss and comment.

-Christopher Long
(August 2013)


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3 comments:

  1. Oh so spot on bro , except for #6. This was the predecessor to the metal masterpiece anima. Undertow, produced by Sylvia Massey, was unique and flew in the face of everything else in 1993. It was the only thing at that time that wasn't regurgitation from another genre. Again, it prepared the band for delivering a true gigantic, metal album, anima. Produced by David Botrill (who had just finished one of King Crimson's best albums "thrak"), this album put them through the stratosphere. Just my opinion, but these albums are examples of truly unique, progressive metal that sold tons by any genres standard. Hard combination to hit on, even today.

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  2. I thought Boston had a new singer for that album.

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    Replies
    1. Indeed, William -- hence the record's undeniable suck factor! Good hearing from you again. I enjoyed reading about your personal Spinal Tap moments -- good stuff!

      -Chris

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