Friday, August 16, 2013



It has been written
that Starbucks is the
center of the universe.
Okay, maybe it hasn't
been written before, 
but it has now.

Over the last few years I've had the distinct privilege of enjoying countless quality coffee conversations with an endless procession of current pastors, former rock stars, future ex-girlfriends and even a crazy gypsy woman who confessed that she'd been having dreams about me. Man, I love Starbucks!

I was sitting at my neighborhood SB locale early the other morning, reading and contemplating the book of Luke, when I was struck with a wacky notion. I began to ponder some of the (other) compelling characters — the movers and shakers of the world with whom I'd most like to have coffee — sorta like a "bucket list," if the bucket was a steaming, fresh, venti bold with cream and one raw sugar. And after careful consideration, I came up with my Top Ten...


I met the "Motor City Madman" one-on-one back in 2002 at a book signing (his, not mine). And I could tell instantly that he was impressed thoroughly by my awesomeness. But if we ever were to connect within a quiet and casual Starbucks setting, I'd hug him, tell him that I love him and suggest that there may be a more "gonzo-like" means of articulating his various social and political positions other than screaming at people and telling them to go "F" themselves. FYI Ted, kindness and compassion is "Just What the Doctor Ordered!"


For starters, an intimate coffee experience with M-K & A would simply be far too overwhelming for me to survive. Hence, I likely would need for the delicious duo to keep their distance and not make any direct eye contact with me. Furthermore, I'd need to request that they not speak, as the sound of their angelic voices certainly would prompt me to wet myself — talk about awkward, right? But other than these few normal stipulations, I only can image that our meeting would prove to be engaging.


I'm sure that everyone will agree when I say that next to Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan was the greatest American EVER! But given that he passed away back in 2004, the closest I'll ever get to hanging out with our beloved 40th president is spending quality time with my prized possession — a life-size, cardboard stand-up of "the Gipper," himself — which is TOTALLY normal.


Ann Coulter is so incredibly hot that I can't even speak her name without burning my lips. Consequently, if we ever were to hook up at Starbucks, I'd have to order an iced coffee — probably a Caramel Macchiato. In a best case scenario, we'd be sitting together on the SB patio, engaging in lively political banter. Then, at some point, I'd inadvertently make what she would perceive as a pro-lib comment and she'd be forced to berate me, as other customers passed by, watching in horror. Not accepting my heartfelt apology, she would then snatch me up by the ear and drag me through the shop for an additional private reprimand in back. Following the completion of my punishment, she'd require me to drive her home where she'd force me to spend the rest of the night doing her laundry and polishing her boots. What?


Atlanta-based author Creston Mapes is currently hot as a pistol for one reason — his books kick ass! And as a guy with a couple of published books of my own, I find Mapes to be as inspiring to me at 50 as David Lee Roth back when I was playing rock star at 20. As an Internet "creeper," I've learned that Mapes also hangs out at Starbucks every morning. But with 813 SB locations in the greater Atlanta area, I've been having difficulty locating his fave romp. But if we ever did get to hang out, I'd be cool. I'd just sit and listen, hoping that he'd slip and spill a gem or two — a golden nugget I could steal that would launch me into the literary stratosphere. Oh well — a guy certainly can dream.


Through my involvement with teen ministry, I've become connected personally to countless young people who possess a passion for Jesus Christ. And that's perhaps the best way to describe Christian music sensation, Holly Starr. Her 2012 record, Focus, is packed with some of the most infectious, get-to-the-hook pop songs that I've heard in a very long time and the CD quickly has become one of my all-time favorites. Even as an old dude, her music inspires me. Simply put, I am a fan, and I'd love to do coffee with her sometime just to syphon off some of her energy and passion. However, one burning question remains — how does Holly feel about SB's iced lemon pound cake?


Doggonit, I (still) love me some Emmitt Smith! The all-star running back helped propel the Dallas Cowboys to Super Bowl championships in 1992, 1993 and 1995. (Suck on that, Buffalo!) In those days, I was consumed by the NFL. But since Smith's retirement from the league back in 2005, well, not so much. Now c'mon, who wouldn't want to chill at SB, gettin' the NLF lowdown from Emmitt Smith. I just wanna ask if he agrees with me that football without Aikman, Irvin, Haley, Sanders, Harper, Novacek, Newton, and Johnston is just plain lame!


Zooey and I have wrestled with the romantic tension between us for quite some time. So a coffee experience really needs to happen. We to need sit face-to-face and say the things that need to be said. I've got a lot of stuff going on in my life these days and I just don't think I can be available to her fully right now — emotionally or physically. But what better way is there to discuss painful matters of the heart, than over a delicious Vanilla Latte and a fresh croissant? Gosh, I don't want to hurt her.


Original glam / punk / guru / diva David Johansen ranks as the 11th coolest guy EVER. Why? Well, he's the frontman for the freaking New York Dolls — so throw that carcass in the trunk and let's go home, boys. But Johansen is more than just a guy in fabulous fishnets with great gams and chiseled cheeks. He's a tremendous artist. Like a fine wine, his work gets better with time. Case in point, check out the Dolls' 2006 record, One Day it Will Please Us to Remember Even This. 'Nuff sed! He's also an incredible wordsmith. And any guy who can weave "superfluous," "acquiesce" and my personal favorite, "tempestuous" into the context of a three-minute pop song is a guy I want to have coffee with. Plus, I've got an amazing nail tech who I want to turn him on to.


This experience would be particularly unbelievable and wonderful since my mom passed away — losing her battle with cancer in 1999. Although it's apparently tough to catch the "Red Eye" from Heaven to Starbucks (yeah, I guess there is a difference), she has spoken to me a few times over the years — usually to warn me against dating certain crazy women. Maybe one of these days, I'll start actually listening to her! I miss my mom and I would love to get the scoop on the whole Heaven experience and to let her know that I didn't remain a complete screw-up for my entire life. In sum, if your mom is still living, trust me, you should pick up the phone and invite her to have coffee sometime. For me, I'm just gonna have to shine it on a few more years.

-Christopher Long
(August 2013)

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author Christopher Long



C'MON! -

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