Monday, February 11, 2013

THE 2013 GRAMMY AWARDS: Hashtags and Gladrags

THE 2013 
Hashtags and Gladrags

From the opening 
number, it became 
painfully clear exactly
why gave up on 
watching the Grammys 
ages agoBut albeit an
inane and mundane 
affair, there was a blog-
worthy moment or two. 

Ah yes, it was the music industry's annual main event. But just how much actual live music was performed at last night's all-star hoo-ha? Hmm, I'd wager a guess and say, not much.

Reigning pop princess Taylor Swift kicked off the evening's festivities with an over-the-top and clearly canned  Vegas-style performance. And just as the big girls roll, Swift's ensemble also included an obligatory tear-away item — ooh, SO shocking!

Coming soon to a circus tent near you!
For the second year in a row, LL Cool J proved to be an engaging host. However, his over-emphasis of social networking and references to hashtags, texting and Tweeting seemed as natural as Elton John offering  tips on picking up chicks.

While I believe that the program was intended to be a celebration of musical expression, it also clearly was about personal transformation. Adele now has transformed into Margaret Thatcher. Melissa Etheridge has morphed into Hillary Clinton and Ellen DeGeneres literally has become Steve Martin.

Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher
made a surprise 2013 Grammy guest appearance.

The five things that
learned from watching
the 2013 Grammy
Awards ceremony...

1) There apparently are only about a handful
of non-rap, non-synthetic-pop groups left
in existence, and they ALL look like Great
Depression survivors from the 1930s who
also are all seemingly in dire need of baths,
shaves and rack toms.

2) Frank Ocean ain't really "all that" after all.

3) Justin Timberlake's new record is gonna suck.

4) Prince is STILL hot!

5) After watching her pre-show interview and
finally pinpointing that certain peculiar look
in her eye (as well as based on her myriad
of sketchy life choices and porno-like video
content) I've now concluded that Rihanna is
demon-possessed. She's super-hot, to be sure
— but demon-possessed nonetheless.

Aside from typical categories presented during the telecast, there actually were some cool categories (that didn't make it to prime time), including "Best Hard Rock / Metal." And the nominees are... Anthrax, Marilyn Manson, Halestorm, Iron Maiden, Lamb of God and Megadeth. And the winner is... Halestorm! Oy vey. 

Awe, I think these kids are gonna make it!
Katy Perry brought her two 
greatest assets to the Grammys:
her razor-sharp wit and her 
impeccable music talent.

Rihanna - Although most of her product amounts to little more than pornographic nonsense, Rihanna's Grammy performance of "Stay" was simply amazing — demonstrating that she may possess more talent than many may have assumed.

Jack White - Thank goodness there was at least one bona fide rock star performance! However, I personally preferred White's eerie-sounding, acoustic-based segment with The Peacocks to the zany, electrified segment with The Buzzards.

Maroon 5 with Alicia Keys - An unlikely, yet successful, high-energy pop-combo. The mighty awesomeness of Keys fortunately gave some edge to the now emasculated M5.

NO Bieber.  NO Britney.  NO Nicki.
Jack White — 
the coolest Grammy moment.
Kelly Clarkson - It behooves an artist attending the Grammys to be at least somewhat prepared and not too terribly buzzed — 'cuz, well, you just never know.

Miranda Lambert with Dierks Bentley - A train wreck duet. (Does he always sound, uh, like that?)

Carrie Underwood - The performance by the classiest and arguably most talented artist of the night was compromised by distracting images illuminating across her huge silver dress. But truly to maximize this gimmick in the future, I suggest selling ad space to Go Daddy or Budweiser.

Pepsi missed a huge op.
fun. - Absolutely un-listenable. But at least they won the "Best New Artist" award, which according to Grammy tradition means we won't be enduring much more "fun."

J. Lo - Was her tablecloth "dress" meant to be a joke?

Justin Timberlake - Stick to the acting thing, kid. You're bigger (and better) than this now.

LL Cool J's show-ending performance - His hip hop cred was lost years ago. But like Timberlake, he's bigger (and better) than that now. Move forward, big guy!

So there ya go — just a few random thoughts regarding THE three longest hours of my life. But I have a feeling that on Grammy night next year, I'm already obligated to do, uh — you know, a thing, at that place.

-Christopher Long
(February 2013)

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  1. effortlessly glib, humorous, and entertaining. When in need of a realistic and candid look at whatever is on...or not on you might say!

  2. Thanks for the entertaining summary. Now I don't have to feel bad for not watching!