Friday, July 13, 2012

THRIFT STORE ADVENTURES - Pt. VIII (The "Creepy" Edition)

Michelle and I don't really have a problem.
We can quit thrifting any time we want!
________________________________

Hello. My name is Chris.
I'm a thriftaholic. I'm a
bona fide, die hard, call-
in-sick, no-sleep-for-three-
days, I-really-need-a-
shower-and-a-hot-meal 
thrift store addict —
and I don't deny it. My
girlfriend Michelle
also suffers from TSA
(Thrift Store Addiction).
 
________________________________


All I ever desired was flippin' awesome
hot pants at an affordable price.
Soon, my life was coming apart at the seams.

I first realized that WE potentially had developed a "problem"  when store clerks  began greeting us by name. And just this past week I received a personal email from a local store owner who  expressed  concern that I had not been in for a while.  She further "encouraged" me to stop by and see her, ASAP.

Oh sure, my story started out innocently enough, but now things are getting a little creepy.

The year was 2003. I was a fresh-faced forty-year-old divorcee with a bright future ahead of me. It was my first experience — a harmless experiment. Ah yes, I remember my very first thrift store purchase fondly  — a pair of plaid capris, a slightly stained "I'm with Stupid" T-shirt and a "like new" cassette tape of Kenny Rogers' Greatest Hits. It all felt so good, and I knew that I could handle it. But the "monkey" knew better. Before long, my life was spiraling out of control. I soon became a frequent "client" at various thrift store locations, eagerly taking advantage of weekly half-price and bag-for-a-buck specials. This quickly was becoming a major "dirty little secret" — one that I've only recently been able to share openly with others.

Thrift store marionettes
are plain creepy.

However, I also have noticed lately an alarming creepy-factor associated with the thrifting experience. Just yesterday, Michelle and I paid a visit to one of our favorite hometown destinations. I won't reveal the shop's name, as I'd never drop a dime on a reliable "connection." Furthermore, I hope that what I have been observing recently is  simply  a figment of my imagination and not a dark reality of the thrifting lifestyle. FYI, here's what I observed during yesterday's outing.

As always, the place was packed — standing-room only. But everwhere I looked, everywhere  I walked, I felt as if I was being watched and followed by the various creepy artifacts displayed throughout  the store. From clown paintings to marionettes to china-type dolls, there was no escaping "them."


However, thrift store mannequin heads are perfectly normal. And like most normal people, I like to feel the skin — oh so gently. Oooh, I like the soft and pretty skin.

Am I being paranoid? Do I have a problem? Should I be concerned? Should I seek professional help? What does it all mean? Does Ann Coulter really love me? Should I switch to decaf? Should I simply walk away and abandon this lifestyle? I'm SO confused!

Please feel free to weigh in on this and offer me your guidance, advice or any other personal insight.

-Chris
 

 
Author Christopher Long's latest book
is available NOW on Amazon.
 

2 comments:

  1. We hope you'll stop by and thrift with us next time you're in Calgary! We promise we don't have any creepy stuff. Just upscale and high quality goods at our place. :) Check us out on FB to see www.fb.com/urbanthriftcalgary

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awesome -- thanks for the invite! I'll check out the FB page. I look forward to visiting.

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